Seasonal Changes
by mumyou nanashi
Summary: “Nothing stays firm forever as the seasons turn, everything vanishes like morning dew.” [AthrunLacus, CH1&2 EDITED]
1. Spring

**062806 – EDITED. Loopholes covered and tenses fixed. Thanks to MapleRose for pointing it out!**

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_**Disclaimer:** I do not own Gundam SEED._

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**Seasonal Changes**

"_Nothing stays firm forever; as the seasons turn, everything vanishes like morning dew."_

_- He Qifang_

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**Chapter One: Spring**

"_I'll see you again, _

_Whenever spring breaks through again."_

_- Noel Coward_

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Athrun and I met in the spring, when the flowers were just beginning to bloom, the rivers just beginning to flow, and the world just beginning to wake up from its long, winter slumber.

_How poetic._

But the truth was the weather was always like this in the PLANTs. We never got to experience autumn or winter. It was always spring or summer. Even so, for someone as idealistic and optimistic as me, it personified our relationship as well. That what we were to have was just beginning, was just beginning to bloom.

Contrary to what most people would think, ours was not just a political marriage. There was a rule, here in the PLANTs, which states that the marriage of second generation Coordinators must be regulated or controlled, to ensure that the parents -will- reproduce. Our genes were carefully analyzed and given the perfect match.

_Athrun was my match._

Researchers were working day in and day out to decipher this particular glitch in our reproductive system. For some Coordinators, it was a minor problem that will be solved in the very near future. But for those who were forced to marry someone they did not love, it was a dilemma, an obstacle that they themselves could not overcome. Children, after all, were the product of their love. And wouldn't their love be unfruitful if it was always the two of them? Never having sons and daughters to pass on their legacies, to love and care for, to give the whole world to.

_But I wasn't one of those people._

I had accepted Athrun into my life the moment I met him. I had accepted my future with him. And I was sure that he felt the same. Perhaps that was what spring truly was – for flowers to bloom, for rivers to flow, for the world to wake up, and for love to grow.

We first met when we were only five years old, but I wasn't sure if he still remembered that. My father introduced us to each other and while our parents talked about politics and other important things, we played under the sun and talked about the things that really mattered to little children like us… Like why the sky was blue (not knowing that it was artificial), or if the skies on earth were as blue. We were both unaware that the very person we were playing with was the one that we were going to marry someday.

_But, I knew then, that if I could spend the rest of my life with just one person, that person would be him._

We played with each other for two 'spring seasons'. It was a routine that we had all grown accustomed to. His parents would bring him over; it was always like that. Athrun was always the one to come to my house. We were like the best of friends. Even if we did go to different schools – I at an all-girls, and Athrun at an all-boys grammar school. He would tell me all about his friends, and in turn, I would tell him about mine. He told me that his friends sometimes made fun of him, for playing with a girl. And when I would frown, he would quickly say that he didn't mind playing with me, because I was fun to be with.

One day, my friends came over and caught me playing with Athrun. They teased us and giggled a lot. They kept saying that I had a boyfriend and that he was very cute. Then, they burst into uncontrollable giggles again and Athrun blushed and mumbled something about having to go home early. And I, in turn, just gave my friends a small smile and told them to stop teasing us.

_Only a month of being friends, and the world was already laughing at us._

The next day, Athrun didn't come over to play. I waited for him at our garden. It was always like that. I would be waiting for him at our garden and at exactly two o'clock in the afternoon he would come, smiling and half-running, half-walking to greet me. I was beginning to get anxious; I feared that maybe he didn't want to come anymore because of what my friends had said the day before.

Almost an hour went by and I was getting tired of waiting. Patience wasn't a virtue for my six-year old self then. I could almost see myself, slumped in my chair, the cookies on the table were all but crumbles and the ice on our orange juice had already melted, diluting the sweetness of the drink. The maid came to fetch me, saying that Athrun was not coming, and I recall my father approaching me soon after, kneeling before me and telling me that Athrun was in the hospital. I didn't know how he managed to tell a six-year old that her friend had just survived an anti-Coordinator terror attack, but he did.

I could still feel the horror and the dread. I was afraid that something bad might have happened to him and that I was never going to see him ever again. But father reassured me, that Athrun would be alright, that he was not very hurt.

_But he was._

I could see it in his eyes when I visited him. He looked wary and his eyes were flitting back and forth in fear. And it was only after seven years that I realized, how shocked he must have been, of having been attacked only because of the fact that he was a Coordinator. Our little minds could not understand then, why Naturals hated us so much, it was enough that they -did-. And, I had to admit that, even now, I still could not grasp why Naturals hated us.

He was, unconsciously, beginning to change. He was beginning to see the harshness of the world. He was responding in the exact same way that people being antagonized reacted. He was also planting hatred in his heart. I understand that one of his friends was killed in the attack. With only minor burns, scratches, and head injuries, he was one of the lucky ones.

He was growing up.

_And I could not do anything to stop it, or to comfort him_.

His parents decided to send him to the moon to study. And for him to be safe as he did so. I was sad. My best friend was moving away, due to circumstances beyond our control. In my young mind, it was like he was going away for good.

He came over for the last time and I could see how much he had changed during his stay in the hospital. His eyes were no longer shy, but were wary and always alert, as if looking out for attacks. He smiled less and he refused to play with me. But one thing that I will always commit to memory was the sadness behind all the vigilance in his eyes.

_His eyes told me that, despite everything that's happened, he didn't really want to go._

Before he left, he looked back and said in his most sincere voice that he was sorry that he wouldn't be able to come over anymore. He was near tears. It was all it took for me to run up to my dearest friend, and give him the biggest hug that I could muster. I smiled through my tears and told him that I would miss him. And I recall him saying the same thing. He promised that he would come back and that when he did, he would come here directly and tell me all the things that he did at the moon.

_And then we said goodbye._

And now, several years later, I was sitting here in the same garden and marveling at the beauty of spring, waiting for him to hold true to his promise. I heard from my father that Athrun was coming back. I only wished that he remembered his promise to see me.

Many things had happened during the seven years that we were apart. I was establishing my career as a singer here in the PLANTs. It had always been my dream to perform in front of a large number of people. The citizens were only just beginning to recognize me, after months of television, radio and public appearances. My first album was released several weeks ago and I had heard that it has been doing well in the charts.

As for Athrun, the only time that I heard about him was when his father and mother came to visit. His mother would tell me that he was doing well in the lunar city of Copernicus. But the unspoken question in my mouth was, did he ask about me? But I refrained from asking, for it was not proper for a lady to do so – or so I've been told by my tutor.

Just this morning, I learned the truth behind those after school playtimes all those years ago. We were to be married. Not just because our fathers were friends, but because we were 'biologically matched.' The first thing that I asked was if Athrun knew it, too. My father answered that he did. The next question was, "And how does he feel about this?"

My father just had given me a small smile, not unlike the ones I gave when I was hiding something. And so, another thing to add to my list of awaited events. I looked at the sun and gently sipped my tea. I was already thirteen years old, but I felt giddy and excited inside as if I were a little child again. Was it because of the fact that I was seeing a friend again? Or was it because of the prospect of meeting my first love?

I stopped sipping my tea and gazed at the murky depths. Was it even possible for a five-year old or a six-year old girl to fall in love? Was there an age wherein one could start loving someone? Wasn't I too young then to truly comprehend the concept of love?

It would be quite possible for someone at that age to love. We were all born with the ability to love, weren't we? And I couldn't quite remember a definite age in which love fully reveals itself to someone. Maybe I was too young then to understand it. But my current self, seven years later, would know what it was that I was feeling back then.

_And it was the instigation of the paradox called love._

Content with the answers that I had formulated for my own questions, I resumed sipping my tea when doubt soon clouded my mind. _What about Athrun, then?_ That simple question held all the uncertainties that I was feeling. Just moments ago, I just realized the possibility that perhaps I was in love with a friend (and, consequently and ironically, my fiancé), and now I had a new set of inquiries.

I was saved from my further thinking when a maid arrived and told me that Athrun was here. I felt my eyes grow wide and I quickly slammed down the cup which held the tea that I was drinking. All thoughts flying out, I walked briskly into the front door and opened it without haste.

_Athrun was here!_

I saw a black car pull up in the driveway and I quickly went down the steps. He got out of the car, dressed in a black suit, holding a bouquet of flowers in one hand and a blush unmistakably drawn on his face. That was enough to tell me how he felt. That was enough for all the doubts to vanish in my mind.

I smiled.

And he smiled back as he thrust the flowers in my direction, still blushing. I took a deep breath and felt a certain happiness of the fact that it smelled just like spring. And I said the words that I had been waiting to say for seven years, "Welcome home, Athrun."

After he gave me the flowers, we went inside and I led him to the gardens. Years back, we would just run on the grass and laughed and played and talked about nonsensical things. But now, we stared at everything but each other and silence filled the gap that used to be endless conversation. Was this what they called awkwardness?

From what I had seen earlier, he seemed to be back to the shy, little boy that was my playmate for almost two springs. His eyes were still green and his hair still blue. But now, he was older, leaner, and more handsome than he was seven years ago.

But there was something that I could not decipher. Something changed, but I couldn't put my finger on it. But then again, I was sure that I had changed as well. I was no longer the chatterbox that I used to be. Or maybe I still was, either way he had to find out, right?

After not seeing each other for almost seven years, it would be idealistic to say that nothing had changed. Maybe we were two, totally different persons, different from what we used to be. We no longer knew each other. What we liked or disliked, or what we believed in. Perhaps what we needed for us to start a conversation was to get to know each other all over again.

"I'm Lacus Clyne."

His eyes riveted to my face and turned puzzled. "Wha -?"

I giggled. "Since we don't know each other anymore, I think it would be proper to re-introduce ourselves. I'm Lacus Clyne, and you are?"

He seemed quite confused at first, and then shook his head. "You always think of the weirdest things." He looked directly into my eyes and gave me a smile. "I'm Athrun Zala."

And so, Athrun and I met, once again, in the spring, when the flowers were just beginning to bloom, the rivers just beginning to flow, and the world just beginning to wake up from its long, winter slumber.

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	2. Summer

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**Chapter Two: Summer**

"_Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? _

_Thou art more lovely and more temperate. _

_Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May, _

_And summer's lease hath all too short a date."_

_- William Shakespeare_

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Maybe one of the disadvantages of living in a space colony was never having the chance to experience the change in seasons. From what I had read and seen from books, the four seasons had a distinct beauty in each of them. The weather here in the PLANTs was a perpetual summer and as such, I rely heavily on the pictures in order to depict the seasons.

Lacus, however, always insisted that we met in the spring and I always told her that there were no seasonal changes here in the PLANTs. And then she would pout at me and ask me, "Why do you always have to be so technical?" And then she would tell me, that even in the environment of an artificial dwelling, she could still feel the seasonal changes in the air.

Spring, as she stubbornly pointed out, was when we first met and when everything was just beginning to bloom. Summer was the season were everything -was- in bloom and in full growth. She told me that it was the summer seasons this month and the next. As for autumn and winter, she said that I would have to wait. But she would prove to me that we underwent seasonal changes here as well.

Lacus was an optimist. She always saw the brighter side of things. I was a pessimist. But, thankfully, we were not extreme opposites. But there were times when I felt that she was too idealistic and that I had to protect her from the harshness of the world. And then she would tell me something that showed how much she knew of human austerity, and I would start to think that maybe it was I who need protection.

I had been going to a private finishing school while Lacus was enjoying the comfort of home schooling. She's very popular here in the PLANTs and one could just imagine how my classmates took it once they knew we were engaged. They kept saying that 'it must be the genes'. It's a horrible inside joke, if one could even call it a joke.

Whenever she wasn't too busy with her career, I always made it a point to come by their house just like when we were little kids. We would talk about things, or go on dates. Simply put, we did the things that ordinary couples did. After all, we were one; but still, I could feel that there was something missing. Maybe we hadn't passed the stage where we were still embarrassed and formal around each other.

As I had mentioned, it was 'summer' here, if that's what you call it. I simply referred to it as a 'vacation', but Lacus being Lacus kept on insisting that it's -summer- vacation. We'll let's just see if the leaves turn red and then fall after two months.

Lacus was the personification of summer. Whenever I looked at her, the poet within me awakens and I start to think of the bluest skies, the greenest trees, the reddest flowers and the warmest days. She was always so full of life and brought so much warmth and happiness to those around her.

It was considered unusual and unorthodox for boys my age to admit that they were in love. And even if they did, they would only be taken lightly. It bordered on corniness, even. But still, I felt that this was the one explanation I could offer for all that I had been feeling. And wasn't it only right that I loved my fiancée? In fact, I was lucky that my match was someone that I loved.

I was fairly certain of my feelings for her. Although sometimes, we would catch ourselves in an awkward silence, just one smile from her and it would feel like I could talk endlessly about nonsensical things. I found myself always blushing in her presence, embarrassedly so.

We had been together for three months, and today marked that date. Well, not counting our childhood days of course. We had been together for a quarter of a year and we had been lucky enough not to have met bumps along the way. I thought of giving her something – something that had been tinkering on my mind. It was kind of similar to the one I gave my best friend on Copernicus when I left. I gave him a mechanical bird before I left, and I must say, it was kind of good. But that's a different story altogether.

This time, I made a pink, round, and mechanical pet. It was -cute-, as my mother put it. But for me, it was bordering on annoying. Okay, more than annoying, it was infuriating! It was brash, crude, rude, and too energetic for my tastes; it kept on repeating every damn word I said and it always tried to bonk me in the head.

Well, there went my plan of 'being sweet by giving a gift.'

I was ready to give up hope when the butler came to me and told me that Lacus was here. Surprised, I hurriedly went to the receiving room and saw her sitting calmly on one of the couches. She was, there was just no other word for it, radiant.

"Hi," I greeted her. "You should've told me you were coming."

"I wanted to surprise you," she said simply. Then, her eyes were cast downward and stared curiously at my hand. She pointed at it. "What's that?"

It appeared that, in my haste, I had brought the defective machine with me. I sighed and lifted it to eye level. "This?"

"Yes."

I sighed in resignation. Might as well confess. "I was supposed to give you this as a gift. But it's broken. I don't know what's wrong with it."

Her face lit up and she immediately snatched the pink ball from my hands. "A gift…"

"Yes, well, I'm not sure if…"

"How does it work?" she interrupted me. She turned it over and over in her hands and then flashed me a curious smile.

I inwardly groaned. I took it from her and pushed the button underneath it. Its eyes flashed red, its ears flapped and when it caught sight of me, it bounced away. I sighed in relief. But then it turned around and bounced towards me with renewed force. It was aiming straight for my head! Instinctively, I ducked and grabbed it with both hands. I was about to push the off button – for good this time – when I heard Lacus giggle.

"It's not broken. It's so cute!" she grabbed it from me and hugged it. "I'm going to call him Mr. Pink!"

"P-Pink?"

"Yes, it -is- pink isn't it?" she answered patiently, with a mysterious smile on her lips.

For no reason at all, I felt my lips curl upwards. "And I suppose that if I gave you a blue one you would call him, Mr. Blue?"

She tilted her head to the side and appeared to be deep in thought. "Well," she began, "Maybe… but it depends on the shade of blue. He might be a Mr. Navy."

I chuckled and shook my head amusedly. And before I knew it, I was promising to make her one of a different color. The smile on her face was enough to tell me that I succeeded in my plan to be 'sweet by giving a gift.'

After that, she proceeded to tell me the reason for her visit. "I, in turn, would like to give you this."

I took the rectangular piece of paper from her hands and inspected it. "A ticket?"

"A concert ticket," she affirmed. "Will you come and watch me sing?"

I smiled. "I wouldn't miss it for the world…" Then, feeling much braver, I asked her, "And afterwards… maybe we could go out for dinner?"

That mysterious smile again. "Of course, Athrun."

After that, we said our goodbyes and I proceeded to prepare for the concert that night. It was to be held in Junius Five's White Symphony Theater. I hadn't been to Junius Five. I had heard that the Junius Cities were reserved for agricultural and food-production purposes.

Lacus had given me three tickets, the other two for my parents. But my mother insisted that I go alone. At the risk of sounding like an over-excited toddler, I was kind of feeling 'jumpy.' I reached the theatre an hour before the concert started and I went directly to Lacus' dressing room.

A lot of people seemed very busy and I didn't want to get in the way so I sat down on one of the couches and waited for her. I settled on just watching her. She was probably unaware that I was there but, nevertheless, I found her fascinating.

She was like my mother, in so many ways. They were soft-spoken, genteel, graceful, beautiful… I could go on and on. Maybe that was one of the reasons why I took to her immediately. She reminded me of my mother.

Father was a harsh disciplinarian. He demanded only the best. A lot of people said that I was like my Father, intense, strong-minded, and goal oriented. But in front of my Mother, he was just like any other man. He became gentle, soft-spoken, endearing. If I was like my Father, I would want to wish for someone like my mother to keep me grounded, to keep me human. That person was Lacus.

Whenever I saw her, my face would light up and I couldn't help but smile. She had that effect on me. For someone who had experienced the evilness of the human nature, that was important. That day, when I was but a small child, the day I saw how a person can kill with a smile on his face, with no regret, the day I saw one of my friends get killed simply because of the circumstances of our birth, it would remain etched in my mind.

I always knew that Naturals were not very fond of us. Father told me so. But I never knew how deep that hatred went. I hated them, too. But Lacus, she kept me grounded. Whenever we talked about those kinds of things, her hopeful outlook on life rubbed off on me. She made me realize that maybe someday, things would be peaceful.

Yes, she might seem too idealistic at times. But I was thankful for that. Very thankful. When I was with her, I stopped growing up, stopped thinking like an adult, and experienced being a proper teenager, even for just a moment.

Only thirty more minutes before the concert. The preparations seemed to be finished and I decided to approach her. I wanted to at least see her and wish her luck before the concert.

She beamed when she saw me coming and I responded by giving her a timid smile as I handed her the bouquet of white roses. I could feel my cheeks heat up when I sensed other people watching us. Lacus gave me that mysterious smile again.

Then she kissed me on the cheek.

I blinked once. Twice.

That was totally unexpected. I gave her a shy smile and I whispered, "Good luck."

She nodded and then smiled. "I hope you find the concert enjoyable, Athrun. We'll see each other again, later, hm?"

I only managed to nod. On the way to my seat, I could feel my lips curl upwards in an idiotic smile. I could clearly remember how she smelled. She gave off a distinct aroma of summer. Maybe for once, I would stop being so technical. Maybe it -was- summer.

She greeted the crowd with her usual smile and endearing voice. And that was when I noticed a little pink ball bouncing about in the stage.

"Haro, haro!"

"I would like to introduce you to my new friend, Mr. Pink. He is a gift from a very special person, someone very close to my heart. I only hope that that certain person remembers to give me the friend that he promised for Mr. Pink…Maybe someone named Mr. Navy."

There were scattered murmurs, squeals, giggles, and uncertain laughter in the crowd. Once again, I felt my lips curl upwards, this time, in an amused smile.

Lacus always managed to put a smile on my face. I hoped that would never change.

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	3. Autumn

_**Author's Notes: **Thanks for all the wonderful reviews along with the comments; replies are at the bottom!_

_Ironically, I finished this before the second Chapter. I just find it hard, it seems, to portray a happy Athrun and Lacus. The first chapter deals with how they met. Basically, the second chapter was only filler, for fluff. I've always hated summer. Well, not exactly hate; hate is such a strong word… more like, I least like summer amongst the four seasons. Maybe it got in the way of my writing? Probably… Now, we go to the Angst. The last two chapters will chronicle how they fell -out- of love. Let's see…_

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**Chapter Three: Autumn**

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"_The drawn-out sobs of the violins of autumn wound my heart with a monotonous languor."_

_- Paul Verlaine_

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"I'm going to join ZAFT."

Funny how a few words can cause your world to come crashing down. Five simple words and I know that the time for goodbyes is nearing. But it is something that I cannot deny that I have not foreseen. Ever since the Bloody Valentine incident, I could feel him slowly drawing unto himself and isolating himself from the outside world, pushing everyone away…even me. It reminded me of that time, when we were little kids, when he said goodbye for the first time.

_He was preparing to say goodbye once more._

Who can I blame? The Earth Alliance? I have worked hard, convincing people to prevent the inevitable war and then here I go blaming those whom others deemed as the enemy. Sometimes, it seems so easy to let go of one's ideals and just do whatever you please. But I can't.

Even though they are the reason why he is suffering right now. But revenge is not the answer. War, it is a vicious cycle. I want to talk to him, but he won't let me. I want to comfort him, but he won't let me. He is shutting me out. I feel so…useless.

I've always disliked the feeling of helplessness, the feeling wherein, you want so badly to do something, but due to circumstances beyond your grasp, you just -can't-. It is a most wretched emotion. And that is exactly how I felt when I heard that Aunt Lenore was one of the casualties in the nuclear bombing of Junius Seven. What I am also feeling right now, that Athrun refuses to even let me see him.

I remember that day, all so well. War was threatening to start on both sides, but for ordinary civilians like us, it didn't matter. Life went on as usual. Athrun and I had planned to do something special since it was Valentine's Day. I was feeling excited and happy that day. I picked out my best dress. I had spent the entire day preparing for it. And then, a somber voice broke the silence. It came from the television set.

_Junius Seven had been bombed by the Earth Alliance._

I felt my knees go weak and I sank on the bed. I stared wide-eyed at the television screen, where it showed how the innocent, agricultural space colony was destroyed. Just a blink of an eye and then –

_It was gone_.

My mind went blank for a while from the shock, but then it dawned on me. Athrun's mother, Lenore Zala was there for an agricultural research! I remember grabbing the phone from my nightstand and immediately punching in the Zala household's number. I waited for what seemed like forever when their butler answered the phone. I asked for Athrun and he said that Athrun was not home. I grew worried.

I called again and again, asking for him. But he was not home. I went to his house, with my father, to check up on him. What we saw there was a spaced-out Patrick Zala, sitting in his office, a cell phone clutched in his hands. My father immediately went to his friend's side, to console him. Athrun's father was mumbling incoherently and he was near tears. Deciding that it was not in my place to witness Mr. Zala breaking down, I slipped out of the room as quietly as possible.

I met the butler on the way to the sitting room and he told me that Athrun was still not home. I was worried more than ever after seeing Mr. Zala's state. Athrun was very close to his mother. To say that he would be heart-broken was an understatement.

I was walking down the hallway when the front door suddenly opened and a dazed Athrun went inside. He looked at me, his face never giving anything away, but his eyes, his eyes had always been his betrayer. They looked so sad, hurt, angry, shocked. He pushed past me, going up the stairs two at a time and after a few minutes; I heard a door slam shut.

I rushed up to his room and I knocked softly. I wanted to give him some comfort, or just a shoulder to cry on. There was silence for a moment. And then I heard something akin to glass breaking. I knocked again, more forcefully.

"Athrun, it's me, Lacus."

"L-Lacus?" a mere whisper.

"Yes. Please, Athrun, open the door."

Silence. And then I heard muffled cries. "No… Please, just…just leave me alone."

_I felt so helpless._

That was a week ago. I had only seen glimpses of Athrun. He never called me or approached me. Not even during the memorial. I tried calling him, talking to him, but then decided that he needed some time alone. To grieve. To mourn.

_To instill hatred in his heart again_.

I have not heard from him for a week. And now, this.

"I'm going to join ZAFT."

I was not expecting him to visit. I heard that things were not going well between him and his father as Mr. Zala had stopped coming home, preferring to spend his nights on a nearby hotel or in his office. My father told me that Mr. Zala had become a different man, in a span of a week. The change was shocking.

Athrun changed, too. It's amazing how much a person can grow in just a few days. Athrun had an uncanny ability to grow up in just a night; just like that day, before he went to the moon. This is the same, but also different. It was not just a friend who died, no… it was someone more special, someone more close to his heart. I cannot imagine how he must be feeling right now.

_I also lost my mother._

But I lost her when I was born, before I even got the chance to know her. You cannot lose what you never had. It is harsh, of course, but it is the truth. The pain was not that great because I never experienced having a mother. Of course, there was a feeling of emptiness. But my father never blamed me. He loved me more, more than I could ever wish for. But we all have different ways of dealing with grief. Mr. Zala, from what I have seen and heard, stays away from Athrun. He never talks to him. Athrun looked too much like Aunt Lenore. Athrun is too busy with his own grief to mind, but he must be wondering, and the time will come, when they will have to face each other and sit down and talk about all that's happened.

_I only wish it isn't too late._

Athrun was too busy, to even visit, it would seem. Too busy, to talk to me about what he was feeling. To let me know what he was thinking of. So, I was surprised to see him sitting in the garden. He refused to look me straight in the eye. He asked how I was at first, and then apologized for his behavior. I couldn't feel his apology. It seemed like he was only saying it for the sake of saying it. I ignored it.

And then –

_"I'm going to join ZAFT."_

Only one word escaped my mouth. "Oh."

What else would I ask him? 'Why?' I knew the reason why. I didn't have to hear him say it. It was for his peace of mind, for revenge, for his mother. But even so, I wanted to stop him. I know that he was doing this to compensate for not being able to save his mother. The feeling of helplessness that he must have felt at that time was something that he did not want to encounter again. I knew it, because as I said, I felt it, too.

Maybe I wouldn't feel so helpless if he would just let me know what he was thinking. Doesn't he trust me enough to be able to tell me his dreams, his fears? I've always thought that love was based on trust. Even friendship was based on trust. Doesn't he consider me as a friend?

_Doesn't he love me enough to be able to confide in me?_

"I will be leaving for the academy tomorrow."

Crisp and emotionless, his voice was. He would undoubtedly make a great soldier. But his eyes, just like when he was leaving for the moon, told me how sorry he was. He was leaving me again, but this time, it was unclear, uncertain whether he would be coming back or not. Coming back alive, coming back whole, coming back dead or coming back a broken man.

I was crying inside. I didn't want him to go. I was afraid of what would happen to us. But who was I kidding? We were still engaged, but he was pushing me away. A barrier was suddenly formed between us. I looked at my lap and I clenched my fists. I was always calm, always rational. Lacus Clyne does not get angry, she is always so perfect. I raised my eyes to look at his and without warning, my mouth opened, as if on its own accord.

"I don't want you to go."

He stared at me, a little surprised it seemed, but then he shook his head.

"I've made up my mind… I'm sorry if you feel differently about the situation."

"Would anything change if you join ZAFT?" I asked boldly. I knew I was treading on dangerous waters, but still I had to try to make him change his mind. I knew it was futile, as Athrun was as stubborn as his father.

A pause. Then his green eyes blazed.

"It would change everything," he hissed. "I will kill those who killed my mother."

"It will not bring your mother back, Athrun."

"But it will bring -justice-," he said angrily. He stood up to leave. He turned his back on me and began to walk away.

_His mother was not the only one who died…Athrun, he died, too._

Frankly, I feel hurt. I love him, with all my heart. But…does he love me? Does he feel the same way? I've always thought that I felt it. Would this event change it? The old Athrun loved me, but he is no more. He died along with his mother. Will I fit in this new Athrun's life? Or am I capable of bringing the old Athrun back?

I stared at his retreating back and then looked up at the setting sun and noted the bright colors that were spread out. Artificial though it may be, the scene was always breathtakingly melancholy. The sky was mostly red. Like autumn, itself.

I remember seeing an autumn scene in a book once. It was so beautiful, in a poignant way. Autumn was the season where everything was dying. The trees were 'killing' themselves to make way for winter, to survive the harsh winter winds, so that they will bloom once more in the spring. Everything was slowly, gradually dying as opposed to winter where everything was -already- dead.

The path that Athrun was taking, would most probably be taking him to his death. Just like the trees during autumn, it was a slow suicide that Athrun was doing to himself. Was there any way that I could help him?

_Was there?_

"Do you remember, Athrun, when I told you that we experience autumn here in the PLANTs, too?"

He stopped walking and without turning around, said, "Yes."

"Haven't you noticed that autumn is here?"

_Is this the end, Athrun? Is this goodbye?_

This time, he faced me and for a moment, there, he seemed really sorry for everything. His eyes were so full of emotion; I could almost hear him say it. That he was sorry that he chose this path, but he could no longer go back, or choose another path.

_Because for him, he didn't have any other choice._

"Maybe we won't have to wait long for winter, then," he answered quietly. And he was gone. I sat in the garden for a very long time.

Yes, winter was fast approaching. I could feel it. The coldness, the slow, agonizing, numbing death.

_I was crying._

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_shizukana kono yoru ni anata wo matteru no_

_ano toki wasureta hohoemi wo tori ni kite_

_are kara sukoshi dake jikan ga sugite_

_omoide ga yasashiku natta ne._

**In this quiet night, I'm waiting for you**

**During that time, your smile has faded away**

**Now that a little time has passed,**

**Fond memories start to resurface.**

_hoshi no furu basho de_

_anata ga waratte irukoto wo _

_itsumo negatteta _

_ima tookutemo_

_mata aeru yo ne_

**At the place where stars fall,**

**I'm always wishing for your laughter.**

**Even though we're apart now**

**We can meet again, right?**

_itsu kara hohoemi wa konna ni hakanakute_

_hitotsu no machigaide kowarete shimau kara_

_taisetsuna mono dake wo hikari ni kaete_

_tooi sora koete yuku tsuyosade_

**From when has my smile faded this much**

**Since it was shattered by one mistake**

**Change only the precious things into light and**

**Go beyond the sky with fortitude.**

_hoshi no furu basho e_

_omoi wo anata ni todoketai _

_itsumo soba ni iru_

_sono tsumetasa wo dakishimeru kara_

_ima toukutemo, kitto aerune_

**To the place where stars fall,**

**I want my thoughts to reach you.**

**I am always by your side**

**Since I will embrace that coldness.**

**Even though we're apart now,**

**We will definitely be back together.**

_shizuka na yoru ni_

**In the quiet night...**

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_**Lyrics for 'Shizukana Yoru Ni' taken from AnimeLyrics (dot) com; consider it disclaimed.**_

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_**Author's Notes:** Sorry, I just couldn't resist -not- putting this song. I think Lacus sang this for Athrun, don't you think so? It's so appropriate! What do you think of this chapter? As always, your opinion is welcome. I'm thinking that I might add an epilogue to this…bringing the total chapters up to five. It's still on the planning stage, though._

_We're almost there! The last chapter (Winter) will be done by Athrun. Please let me know what you think! It will help me greatly in my writing and it would also be nice if you could put in a few of your thoughts about their -doomed- relationship. I am actually a fan of the Athrun-Cagalli pairing. I hope I did this fic justice!_

_My favorite line would have to be, "Maybe we won't have to wait long for winter, then." I think it is something that Athrun would say. He sort of talks in riddles, you know? Like that time with Cagalli, "Even I… have things that I can understand, but can't agree with." He's really my favorite character! So much angst! So much conflict! So… handsome! Ack! I'm starting to sound like a raving fan girl._

_Anyway, thanks for reading this! Let me know what you think! Your opinions are highly appreciated. Drop in a review! I'm thanking you in advance!_

_I wrote this chapter while listening to: _Anna Ni Issho Datta No Ni_ (Instrumental), _Shizukana Yoru Ni _(the original -slow- version, not the C.E. 73 remix), _Kiseki_ and _Omokage_ (Instrumental, Rey Za Burrel's Piano), and _I Wanna Go To A Place_… It got me in a kind of 'melancholy' mood. It works!_

_A HUGE THANKS goes out to the following:_

_**white-rose kiss – **First of all, a BIG thank you! Thanks for the nice words. Don't worry, I'll try to make the ending a good one for all of us. Well, I'll -try-._

_**MyouseiSeed – **Ah! It's you! I'm really thankful that you take the time to read and review my fics! Readers like you make writers want to write more! I -have- to make a fic for you… :)_

_**Noink - **I think that's what first love is all about. Moving on does not necessarily mean that you forget the person that you loved. They are still there. Well, thanks for sharing your opinion, for reading this and for giving me a nice, long review!_

_**the Black Rose – **I feel honored that you reviewed this! I have read most of your Athrun-Lacus fanfics and please permit me to say that they were one of the reasons why I started this. I hope this chapter fits your expectations. I think Cagalli is also the right one for Athrun. It's just that Lacus is a part of his much happier past. It's kind of hard to explain… But I think there are certain qualities of Cagalli that make fit Athrun. Thanks for sharing your opinion and reading this fic!_

_**Demonic Devils – **I'm glad that you liked it! I hope that you still like this, despite the angst._

_**Lethal Dose – **Thanks for sharing your opinion! I have enough material now for the next chapter. I was kind of thinking that since this is just a behind the scenes outlook on the AL relationship, it would be quite predictable. I'm really happy that you like this!_

_**Nkitty29 – **Thanks for reading and reviewing! Well, it's back to Lacus now. I must say that this is a new writing style for me._

_**Unmei** – Thanks! I'm really flattered. That is also one of the reasons why I wrote this, to try new things, and to improve my skills as a writer. Most writers seem unaware that Athrun was in Copernicus for that reason… Oh well, to each his own as I always say. I take gundamofficial (dot) com seriously… It's one of the best sources there is! Now if they could just put the Destiny timeline ASAP…_


	4. Winter

_**Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED or any related articles.**_

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**Chapter Four: Winter**

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"_If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?"_

_- Percy Bysshe Shelley_

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White. Everything was white. It was how I had always envisioned winter. White, cold and dead. I had never seen snow, nor have I seen a whole town covered in white. But I have seen death and I have experienced the feeling of a numbing coldness that seeps through one's veins. And if I think about it, I have been feeling that way ever since the loss of my mother. Winter, where all growths cease, where coldness abounds, where death runs amok; it has been a continuous winter for the past year.

But strangely enough, I welcomed it.

The feeling of emptiness was, ironically enough, fulfilling. I had lost everything on that desolate month. Some I lost forcefully, while others I gave up willingly. My mother, my father…my innocence, my youth…my hopes, my dreams, my future…Lacus.

I gave her up willingly. In fact, if I would be entirely truthful, I pushed her away. I don't know what happened. Maybe in the course of my grieving, I forgot that someone was desperately trying to reach out to me. Maybe I forgot that someone might be hurt about the choices that I was about to make then. Maybe I forgot that there was still someone that I had to protect.

It is possible, but it is not entirely true.

I was partly aware of my actions then. It would be cruel to attribute it all to mourning. I just…couldn't sit around, playing house with Lacus while the rest of the world was being engulfed in war. I couldn't sit around while my Father was trying his best to avenge my Mother's death. I could not sit around doing nothing while those who killed my mother were still plotting to do much more damage. I felt that Lacus would not understand what I was going through.

How could someone so full of life comprehend the meaning of death?

Lacus had always lived a sheltered life. What did she know of pain and suffering? She would never understand what I was going through. Perhaps I was a little jealous of her innocence. How did she manage to retain that, in spite of everything?

I gave up on her and, somewhere along the way, she gave up on me. We didn't see each other for months after I told her that I would be joining the military. It was an unspoken understanding that things were not like they used to. We were still engaged, as it was the rule and as it was the will of our parents, but only on the surface. The connection was seemingly lost.

I saw her whenever it was convenient for the both of us, which was not that often. We were more formal with each other than ever. But even with the tension between us, I still care for her. And I realized just how much when I had learned that she was taken hostage by the Earth Alliance ship, the Archangel. But as I was having other problems then, I took no heed of it.

I am always like that. I am very good at hiding my feelings.

She tried to reach out to me, but I pushed her away once more. That day, on the _Vesalius, _when she reached out to touch my face, it spoke volumes. But again, I turned away. I ignored the hurt look in her eyes. It wasn't the time or the place to talk about our relationship. I was in a war.

'_If so,'_ a little voice in the back of my head asked, _'when is the right time?'_

And then we saw each other again, this time, in more amiable conditions. I visited her again at her house when I was on a break. I enjoyed her presence… but there was something different. We talked about the war…

And Kira Yamato.

"I'm rather fond of him, actually."

Those few words, they spoke volumes. _'I'm tired of waiting for you to come around, Athrun. Even someone as patient as I am, could only take so much.'_

I was a little surprised. They had met and talked on the Archangel. And honestly, it was Kira who saved her. Kira. Not me. Kira, who talked to her. Kira, who listened to her. Not me. But no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't bring myself to hate Kira. Perhaps it would be better this way.

It was appropriate somehow. Is this what they called 'destiny'? Perhaps it is. Kira, who once gave me back my life in Copernicus, was about to take it back. But then again, didn't he already take it away when killed my friends? But, as I stated, I could not harbor any ill will towards Kira anymore. Because I knew that he will be taking care of Lacus. That was enough to make me forgive him.

But of course, he never told me verbally, nor did I ask him. I just saw it in his eyes. When he returned Lacus to me, risking everything, I knew it. What about Lacus and me then?

Is this the right time to talk about our relationship?

No, I did not think so. I ignored it, as best I could, that day and concentrated on spending it with my fiancée. It would be much longer before I was allowed a break like that again. I'm not even sure if I would be coming back at all. Being a soldier, I have surrendered to the fact that I may get killed. I have known that ever since I joined ZAFT. Perhaps that is one of the reasons why joining the military was so appealing.

The promise of death. But I will not die until the perpetrators of Junius Seven are going with me to hell. I will not rest until every single one of the Earth Alliance have surrendered and have felt the pain that I felt on that day.

Would Lacus miss me?

Would she mourn for me?

Would she cry for me?

In all the years that I have known her, I have never seen her cry. Near tears, perhaps, when I was going to Copernicus, but -truly- cry, I do not think so. But I would never want to see her cry. It does not suit her, in my opinion. Perhaps this is also one of the reasons why I pushed her away. So that when I died, she would not miss me. She would not mourn for me. And she would not cry for me.

I didn't want her to feel the emptiness I felt when my mother passed away. But it seems that I was wrong. She felt it. She was feeling it. She wanted to help me.

She tried at first, but how could she heal someone who doesn't want to be healed?

My heart is too troubled, too tempestuous for even her soothing nature to calm. I could no longer find shelter and comfort in her presence. I could no longer make her smile. Our engagement, which used to bring us such a blissful feeling, turned into something that seemed akin to an obligation.

We slowly and deliberately drifted apart from each other. I am to blame. I pushed her away. I drove her away. I regret a lot of things. I regret not telling her how much I loved her. I regret not telling her how much she meant to me. I regret not spending enough time with her. But mostly, I regret not being able to apologize properly for all the pain I must have caused.

I want so badly to tell her how sorry I am…for everything; but I never did get the chance. Or perhaps, I was given countless chances, though I never took it. She never said anything, she never blamed me, or showed signs that she hated me. At first, I thought that she didn't care, but do I know her that much? Another thing that I regret, was not taking the chance to get to know her thoroughly.

I took her for granted. I realize that now.

You can never truly appreciate how much warmth a summer's day brings, until you feel the coldness of winter. It is also the same with someone you hold dear. You never know how important they are until you lose them.

When my father broke off our engagement, I felt…distraught. But somehow, we never got to talk about our relationship, because there were more pressing matters to attend to. But I felt it again. She managed to put my heart at ease. She relieved me of the guilt that I was feeling. When she smiled at me, and told me that Kira was alive, that I failed to kill him, she managed to do just that.

Lacus saved me once again.

And when my own father sent me to be tortured, she, however indirectly, saved me also.

Was there hope for us then?

Was there?

As I look at her in Kira's arms, I start to think that maybe there is hope for us, but in a different sense. She has found that hope in Kira and I have found mine in Cagalli.

I will always love Lacus. She will always have a place in my heart. She was the first one that I have ever felt so deeply for. She taught me how to love for the first time. She showed me so many things. She gave me a reason to wake up each day.

But as seasons change, so must we. Nothing is constant in this world.

We have both moved on. We are both happy now with our respective relationships. But I will never forget that once in my life, we loved each other. And I am certain that she feels that way, too.

Fate has a funny way of balancing things out for you. Sure, it takes away something from you. But you just have to wait patiently, and it will give you back something in return. This is one of the most important lessons that Lacus has taught me. Perhaps, if I waited patiently, we would still be together. But maybe we just weren't meant to be.

Our seasons may be over, but another cycle will surely begin.

I turn my attention to the blonde girl sitting next to me and I find amber eyes looking deep into mine.

Winter is over. The seasons turn and Spring comes once again.

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_**Author's Notes:** Forgive me for the abrupt ending and I'm sorry if this didn't end with them getting back together. Thanks for all the support and the nice, long reviews! Thank you also for sharing your opinions with me! I would really like to know what you think of this! Pardon me for sounding so egotistical, but this is one of my favorite fics that I have written (erm, that didn't sound right…)! Except the ending… I felt it was too…rushed. Maybe it's because I spent all my creative juices on the Autumn chapter! Argh… But I'll edit this chapter… Sooner or later…_

_Once more, thanks and see you in future fics!_

_**Lethal Dose** – thank you very much for sticking with this story. You got me! I also have a thing for angst! I love angst! I hope you're not -too- disappointed with the ending. I tried to balance it out! As I've said a million times before, I'm an AC fan but I like AL nonetheless. Or maybe, it's just -Athrun- that I love? Hmmm… But anyway, their relationship -did- happen, it's a fact!_

_**Tylec Asroc** - well, humor is good. Thanks for reading and reviewing! Sometimes I think Lacus is so naive that she's almost wiser..._


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